#WritingForAFriend Everything

#WritingForAFriend I fucking QUIT…

To all those that I will neglect… From here on out, I will be the absolute least that you can expect… because I am drowning, well, nearly drowning because your bullshit is up to my neck…

At this moment I have a choice to make… and that is live for you and kill myself… or… live for me… and put your needs on a shelf. But when I chose option two I was deemed as fake… Why is choosing myself such a risk to take? I have been sleeping on a worn out mattress, and I am of sick of it. So I bought myself a new bed to make. And it’s hard to lay in it… because the people who didn’t appreciate me selling myself short to help them fulfill their dreams are crying me a fucking lake…

When I see it in black and white… it is clear which choice is right. But when you are the savior in your circle and everyone depends on you… How can you start to mend your fragmented self when their world starts and ends with you… Internally I shame myself for leaving my peers behind… but that is no longer how I see things. The honest truth is that I am not okay when I say “it’s fine”… I can not lie and say “I have time” because I do not.

I have never deemed myself a quitter, but I can’t do this anymore, I fucking quit.

I can no longer fight with you about making time for my desires… this is not tug-a-war… because I fucking quit…

I would rather be alone than to end my days tired from helping others off the floor… I just fucking quit…

This isn’t living… call me selfish… but I am tired of giving…

Unless it is living for me… 

The price of choosing myself  is high… but the outcome and clarity is always higher… but yet and still it has been quite the transition… but I still choose to choose me…

I don’t dare ask for help… I must never put myself in the position to allow those I killed to heal abuse me…

I just have to push myself… to every terrifying limit… the first being task accepting being alone… because choosing me caused those I fed to refuse me…

So I am through with it… I can’t be distracted nor can I let my emotions confuse me…

Say what you want about it.. I cannot be concerned with opinions….

Opinions never helped with shit…. So I am done with all things that don’t better me…

I just fucking quit.

 

5 comments

    1. Thank you thank you thank you! A friend of mine needed a piece on transitioning from helping everyone else to finally fixing their own shit ❤️

      Liked by 2 people

  1. This echoes with me deeply. I never ask for help…i am always the helping hand. I always manage to get back to my feet…but something in the back of my mind always tells me. You don’t need help…no one can help with this. It’s just you and me. Get up…you’ll be fine. You are always fine.

    This is another explosion by you…you do them so well. Powerful beauty in these words.

    Like

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