Everything

insecure…

 

I struggle to write about this because I do not want to believe that I am insecure… I mean sure… I have had times in my life where I felt inferior or just slightly under average. There are times I look in the mirror and want to throw my face away because my strong features are at times a bit much, but insecure? I don’t know.  When I think of a person who is secure… why do I not picture myself?  I am unafraid to speak my mind through words… to a million strangers and I promise it will not be a SINGLE fuck given as I deliver… but the thought of my mother loving my siblings more than me… makes my stomach turn. There are times I am out with friends, I am the center of attention… will open my closet and testify my skeletons because I AM SECURE ENOUGH WITH MY SKELETONS TO SHARE THEM WITH ANYONE (except the fact that I am insecure)… but the thought of my man finding a woman with nipples and no baggage… oh my God… just to type it my eyes burn with rage…. Why is it that since I lost my best friend to petty rage… I can’t trust a soul with anything…  Why am I not comfortable with ANYONE… yet i am comfortable looking in a mans eyes as i ride his dick into the sunset… but I fear if we actually date… he wont like me enough to see me again?

For the first time in my life… I am going to say the first thought that comes out when I ask myself something… and not just anything.. the most IMPORTANT thing…. this question is something that if you read my rants.. and my writing… or if you know me in real life… you want to know the answer to….

“ Domonique… why are you so worked up?”

Because im scared that somehow… my fucked up self will land me alone… no man… no kids… no cat… no mom… no sisters…. No one.. I feel that the worst that I could ever do to someone is always in arms reach and I feel that I always do it… I feel that no one gives a fuck about me… I feel that everyone wants to see me fail.. I talk to people and everyone talks over me… so I talk louder because I want to be heard… but then I stop because what if I say something wrong… smile…. Just smile… I need to just smile…. Everyone likes when I smile… Ooooh or talk sexual Dom.. talk about what you can do to a man.. tell them all about your tricks… don’t talk about your blog.. don’t offer to read poetry…. just shut the fuck up and smile… before you have nothing…

 

So maybe I am insecure…. Okay… this was a little too much… a little too transparent probably… and not poetic… its such an ugly truth to say that “I act the way I act because if I act the way I want I fear that if I act the way I want it’s won’t be good enough…”

Damn…

i fucking LOVE blogging…

 

4 comments

  1. Dominique, (I like using your full name because it’s one of my favorite). If you said you were never insecure you would not be a woman, you would not be a woman of color, you would not be a survivor, you would not be human and … well nuff said. Insecurity isn’t a sign you failed or you’re one of those ‘please praise me or I will perish’ types. EVERYONE has some insecurity, it’s our nature as humans and also what we do to one another. IF our society had more empathy and mercy less of us would have insecurity. I’m sure we would still possess a bit but it would be mitigated by a healthy society. Our society is far from healthy because it tells women things they can never be, nor should be, and inculcates us from an early age into believing we need to be a certain way. YOU are a beautiful young woman but even you will have insecurity because the messages our society give people is a bit broken. All you can do is be the person who is going to change that – be the change you want to see – and I truly believe YOU ARE. That makes a difference. YOU make a difference. But if you told me you were never ever insecure, I would think you couldn’t be honest with yourself and honesty is first and foremost the KEY to everything so I respect you because you were honest and that means you are less insecure than you think.

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    1. Thank youuuuuuu for reading! And you’re right. These titles that people make so harsh are really just truths. I need to address it. Because the me I want to be is a little more secure of herself. I hope my transparency helps someone out there.. it’s a cold world… we have to get through it together

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Titles are often times judgement. If someone needs to judge another, I say, check yourself first, if you’re perfect … which none of us are … go ahead judge another, but ask yourself, why do you need to? In other words – nobody really should! And you are so right to address it. Because you should want to be more secure and that’s a really important thing and I believe you will be. Your transparency helps (understatement) MASSIVELY because you are courageous and you show others, it doesn’t have to be FAKE! I totally admire you, and agree on the cold world bit, that’s why we have to stick together xo

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  2. Hey Dom, we are all insecure and we all have our fears. I think the trick is to create a life around it. I don’t know……….. I’m trying to figure it out too but over a period of time I’ve realised its okay to be sacred and it’s okay to be insecure.

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